These last couple of weeks or even months have been pretty stressful on my kids and John and I.

Rhiannon is trying to make her way through her first year of High School. She has made some new friends and found old ones again. Other than hitting a boy in an after school function and getting suspended for 5 days for it, she seems to be doing okay socially. She knows we don't want her to date yet and she seems to be okay with that. She likes having a lot of friends around her. Her grades are good so far too. She has two classes that she has a C and a D in.

Now Alex, he is not passing any of his core classes. He is in 7th grade. He says every boy in his school is bullying him (all but his one and only friend). Boys that he has known since kindergarten are extra cruel to him. There is one that in 5th grade pushed him down a flight of steps. This boy's mom is (I can't say what I want to say) and in her opinion it was all Alex's fault for being too close to her son. He is still tormenting him. There is another used to be friend that went all the way through Boy Scouts with Alex. This kid is calling Alex names, telling lies to other kids that Alex called them names, lying to the teachers also about Alex. I have talked to the teachers and they all know this boy is lying. There is so much crap going on with him at school and on the bus that he is shutting down at school completely. Oh, this same boy told the other kids that Alex got beat up at school and then on the bus and that is why he was not in school this past Friday. Alex was not in school because he had a major stress melt down at school and the minute he got home from school. there is a kid on the bus that throws things at Alex and gets the boys and girls that hang with him to do the same. I spoke to his class principal and she told me that just that day did all his teachers have a meeting about Alex and him shutting down in school and the problems. She suggested that I keep Alex home. Alex's special school district teacher, along with his core class teachers are going to try and get him a new schedule for his classes to get him away from as many of the kids that are tormenting him to see if that will help. He has not been sleeping at night, he has been wanting to stay very close to me, he only reads and plays DS or computer games and talks with what he says is his only best friend Nick. He does have other friends, they just aren't as available as Nick is.

Why don't I just take these parents out in the parking lot you wonder? I have talked to them in the past and it has never made any changes in their child's behavior. The principal has asked that I not confront them either, that she will take care of it. I have to trust her.

so, our daughter will be 15 on 10/28, driving permit age in the state of MO, and Alex's Doctor (yes I called him in complete abject parental fear), his Principal, his teachers, my friend who is the CEO of BHR and all of them suggest that we find him a psychologist or a psychiatrist. We have to do something, when he came home on Thursday he was ready to really hurt one or all of the half dozen or so boys that are tormenting him. He still did not sleep well on Thursday, but Friday and Saturday he did sleep better than he had been.

These problems with the kids makes every other difficulty (lack of money, house maintenance, bills, family that is sick, animal care, school, work, all of it) seem trivial.

So all you with little ones, hug them and keep loving them, they will really need you when they start interacting with others.

lingering in my brain right now

dogs sleeping on the floor behind me. the kids (better be) in bed. the husband out of town for work. one child not doing his school work or home work, the other suspended for the week. hitting a person at school is not accepted. the insomnia is back along with the heartburn. the cat is someplace not sure where. college is going well, i need to apply myself more. do i look for a job or not? going to a lecture tomorrow and listen to the founders of t.a.p.s. looking forward to that. yesterday it was cold, tomorrow it is to be warm - welcome to st. louis. i am happy, i don't seem to be. but i am. i liked it when we had money in the savings account, now we have a very very small amount, i don't like that. i get motivated to play bejewelled but not much else. i like to knit and crochet, i am trying to be project monogamous though. frustrating when you have a lot on the needles and the hooks. the dogs are snoring, that's what i should be doing too. love you all, really. happy thoughts slowly creep back into my brain. now if the ringing in my ear would stop, it hasn't in 25 years, but really happy thoughts and a smile. time to stitch it all back together so my love will come home and my kids will like their mom. off to sleep, curl up under the covers and try to sleep. tomorrow make phone calls, get the daughters homework from the office, turn in the h1n1 vaccination forms for the kids, study for anthro midterm on wednesday. write a paper for polisci and hopefully practice the recorder for music class. no one came to my last crochet class, but had a great time that night at mary's house teaching her and two of her friends to knit. maybe i could sell stuff on ebay again and on etsy? stop playing games on the damn computer and make it so. why am i afraid of success? how can it be that i will really be 49 in february? can i still make a life? can i stop being afraid to write for publication? why does my own mother avoid me? oh well she's a little nuts so that's okay now that i am an adult. just make sure i don't turn into the same crazy as she is. that would not be good. go to sleep woman.

Attitude of Gratitude: St. Teresa's Prayer

Attitude of Gratitude: St. Teresa's Prayer: "St. Teresa's Prayer



May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that
has been given to you....
May you be content knowing you are a child of God....
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us."

Classes | Knitty Couture

Classes | Knitty Couture: "Crochet 101 • Beginner’s Level
Learn to crochet with our friend and crochet aficionado, Angie Gonzalez. You’ll learn the basics of crochet, ways to understand your stitch and perhaps, even pursue a project or two. Click here for a description from Angie.
Supplies: a supply list will be provided by the instructor.
Tuition: $20
Dates:
Saturday, Oct. 17th, 11am-1pm
Sunday, Nov. 8th, 130pm-330pm"

what skill hat do I need to wear? I have no idea.

*Warning statement*: Friends, you may not want to read this, my depression is showing more than usual.

You know I really want to put down all the things that make me stress, cry, laugh, love and just go aw at. But I can't. they just all seem to blur together today. Our son is being bullied and teased again to the point he writing about it in his homework. Which he does not let me see it, but he shows his teachers. He sees no reason for school. He's only in 7th grade. Our daughter likes LIKES a college guy. did I mention she's not quite 15 yet? That is next month when she turns 15. John is so stressed over work (he was ready to walk on Friday) and that could turn out badly and I am praying so very hard it does not. both my mother-in-laws (one step one biological) have health problems and money problems that we can't help with. I dropped my algebra class because I am too stupid to understand it. I am going to start over at square one of college math. That will put me behind on my degree completion. I just hope I graduate college before Rhi graduates High School.

do I need to be a counselor today? a financial wizard? a dishwasher? a cop? a broken down old woman? What skill do I need?

I want to go to Alex's school right now and pull him out and home school him and tell the kids that are bullying him their parents are lousy parents. I want to walk in the QT and buy the lottery ticket that will win the top millions of dollars prize so John doesn't have to worry any more about taking care of his family. I want to give Rhi the skill to not get hurt by a man if he turns into a jerk. (personal past exoperience talking here).

I want Alex to learn to deal with bullies and find friends. He has one that he counts on. Other than that he sits at home and is afraid to trust anyone with his feelings and friendship.

John just wants to take care of his family and enjoy life. Not much for someone to ask for is it?

I want my family happy and safe and free of fear. I want the kids to have friends, be smart and intelligent and love themselves and their lives.

what skill hat do I need to wear? I have no idea.

It would be great if I could say everything is fantastic. Today I don't feel that way at all, I am scared.

It would be great to clean my house so it's not so cluttered, I just can't let go. It's a true phobia.

There have been many people that have known me that tell me I have it all and there are no problems in my life. Hate to tell those folks, they either never paid attention to me (story of my life) or they are extreemly dilusional.

so here is my rant of fear and heartache for today. I am praying so very hard a positive outcome for my kids, my husband and our family. I want to be able to write about how I finished John's sweater, I cleaned out the house, all the costumes for Archon are done, the bills are all paid off and we have no debt, I am going to Crete for a summer program for school, Alex has friends-true friends, Rhi has found her soulmate just like I did in John. I want to report nothing but good news and to stop crying.

I want to be crafty

The fall semester of school started last week. I am already wanting to get started on my assignments and get them over with. Why? Because I want to get crafty. After a long summer of Algebra, which I failed and am retaking this semester, and not making time for the creative juices to flow I feel them backing up at the damn or creativity as I type.

I knitted no socks, completed no project, crocheted no baby blankets (I need at least 3 done soon), did no sewing of bags, dresses, tops or toys, beaded nothing, no stitch markers, no bracelets, earrings or necklaces. I wrote no stories, poems, prose or chapters and submitted nothing.

I did not do any work on the house - it REALLY needs it. Even if we had the money, I had no time. I mowed the lawn once (yes others mowed it). No hanging out with friends, saw one movie, no pool time, not even at the Y.

I feel the damn getting ready to crack and let the creativity flow over everything like Niagara. It needs to be controlled though, I can't let my school work falter too. I need to get A's in all my classes that I can (I would like at least a C in Algebra so I can keep my GPA up and get a grade modification from the summer's F). I am so stressed and bottled up I have been having nightmares.

I think I will go make stick figures now, out of real sticks!

Afternoon

It's a funny story, I'll tell you later when I come back on line.

My 30th reunion and stuff

Sorry, no pictures of my 30th high school reunion. It was weird for me, fun but weird. I saw and talked mostly with a couple of girls and that was it. I loved seeing Terri and Sharon and Melissa, It was the highlight of the weekend. Even after 30 years I was still insecure and afraid to talk to the "popular people" which was 90% of the people that were there. I know most of my now friends would not believe that it was me, crap I go up to strangers and start a conversation, but not these people. You know it wasn't them that kept me from it either, I did not have a happy time when we first moved to St. Louis, and I was not getting along with my family at all, I felt they could care less if I was here or not.

My mom was depressed and lonely and did not want to try and help me through those exact same feelings I was having. I carried that depression and loneliness with me everywhere I went. I even carry it around today.

I went, the husband went as my date. I took him so I would look good, my husband is damn handsome. So he and I went out on two dates and did what we normally do when we go out, eat, drink and watch people and talk to folks that approach us. I just loved the looks of surprise from my former classmates, I still don't know if it was surprise that I was there or that they were trying to figure out who I was and did I really go to school with them. I had fun though and it was good to see those that I did see.

Now my summer school - we are not going to speak of it. 'nough said.

Knitting and Crochet. I have not done much since the summer class did start. I have a lace shawl started, still working on the husbands sweater, and two crochet shawls going. I ripped out the socks I was making and am using the yarn for a scarf. I have a step niece having a baby in the fall and I want to make her a baby blanket. She's having a boy, so I know the color scheme.

I really really want to get some more ink, but I am too lazy to park the car and go into the shop I want to do it. That word lazy has been so up front in my life lately. I just want to be lazy, lazy as lazy can be and I don't know why. Anyone have a cure for the lazies?